His love didn’t stand the test of discord,
echoes of powerlessness froze him into mute resistance.
Memories of a life unpoured,
walking the minefield he dwells in her trance.
Freedom caught at the ankle.
I long for you,
Look for you in every nook and cranny,
I feel you’re just around the corner –
But you’re not.
I feel I know your taste,
Your kindness, wisdom, humour.
I almost saw your face today –
but that I have forgot.
Do you long for me,
look for me?
Are we vessels unknowingly passing?
How is that we blindly travel?
What will be our eyes unfastening?
I have love to give,
Passion to share,
Sex to have over and over.
It seems a shame to be so single
when it could be so good with another.
But I’m weary of this longing now,
It’s taste not sweet, not bitter,
Just the idle lingering
Of some forgotten savor.
I want to banish it from sight,
from thought, from feeling ever.
I need to plough ahead with life,
my hopes and dreams I’ll sever.
Grief takes over from longing now,
why won’t my soul be still?
If only my feelings would come to order
And it was only a question of will!
Nearly a year
Nearly a year since your eyes closed with finality-
Nearly a year since I watched you die.
Nearly a year digesting the enormity
of your last breath, last touch
Grief presses me down as though buried in sand-
And slips by uncaught through the fingers of my hand.
I can’t see the whole,
get a feel for it’s shape,
each tiny grain makes its slippery escape.
If I could give it a name,
one name, not a million,
I could banish the demon
and not call myself Legion.
A Love Song
The radiant sun throws its beams at the Bay
which joyfully catches and throws them my way.
The wind in my hair, and impeding my peddling,
joins in creating our love song unending.
The wind-teased ripples invite the sand to dance –
pelicans paddling by a little child entrance.
A cormorant thanks the sun for her attention,
the trees and rocks exude a peace
caught clear in their reflection.
A gleaming fish leaping from the water to the sky
Falls back with a splash which catches my eye.
What a way to start a day, with dance song and play –
Our shared life an anthem
That will never pass away.
She didn’t know she wished me dead.
He couldn’t see he was in her thrall.
But when they were together-
with all of this unsaid,
I was merely a shadow,
not really there at all.
Oh how that stark light quickens my blood
as if breath blows the embers of longing!
Oh relentless orb piercing my peace
with the promise of love for the asking!
There’s a beauty so clear in a night lit this way
with a mystical mood that will lay
damp on the ground
when the sun is found
turning silver to gold for the day.
Will you dance with me forever?
My love, I surely will.
Will you dance through balmy weather and over bleak and rugged hills?
I will dance along the path with you, though it leads through mists unclear,
I will take your hand, be by your side, share your joy and hold your fear.
Will you dance with me when we lose our way?
Will your feet still move with mine?
We won’t be long lost if our feet still trust in our rhythm so sublime.
And you my love, will you still dance, though your shoes are worn too thin,
when you feel the weariness in your bones and the blistering begins?
I will dance through the pain and pray with you that we never declare defeat,
I will sway with you ’till the dancing carries us off our feet
and our twirling selves become the rhyme that makes the dance complete.
Your face is so dear to me.
That’s what happens with old friends.
We pull on our friendship like old slippers when we meet
And when we are apart
we hold hands.
I dance ‘til I blister
I laugh till I cry
I work harder than I have ter
I want a big slice of pie.
Where’s the man to match me?
To rock and roll me all night long?
To never blanch at my passion
Nor block his ears to my song?
My mind was captured by a thought
I ran to ground with panicked foot.
Fearing the meaning yet I sought
the gaping gap wherein to put
that blotched and miry remnant
of an old but still so fresh confusion.
I’m going to love you madly
(I do mad quite well these days)
I’m going to love you deeply,
I’m drowning in the ways.
I can’t wait for your spooning around me,
having someone at my back,
it’s not that I’m lost without you-
but there is a certain lack.
We’re going to laugh together,
argue about the world,
hang out the washing side by side
Clothes and griefs unfurled.
A shawl of mist wraps my bay,
waiting to be woken by the warmth of day.
monochrome beauty, a still life in grey,
time held in its sway.
Don’t call me to mind,
I will not care.
Don’t pluck those strings
I would not lay bare.
Don’t agitate for watching out
when I would lie in peace,
leave me to live my life
each day a brand new brief.
Don’t paint the devil on the wall
I would not have him here,
I choose to watch a golden dawn
content without your fear.
A stilling hand lays on your head,
I’ll bid the healing flow,
trust is hard to feel when new,
but rises with the morrow.
I’m calling to the moon to light my way
because it’s night in my soul.
I will not tarry to feel my feet
caught by the undertow.
On I plough,
I know not where,
this moving is all I know,
I thought the beam of light day waking,
not moon on snow.
Icy glare is light enough,
the moon has answered my call,
the path lies clear for a step or ten
but the country I can’t recall.
This moving I know,
it has always been thus,
I rest when I sweep up my path,
now I seek rest of a different kind,
stillness in the face of love.
a panic deep in my guts.
There’s a hole in my side
were the test was taken
as to whether we lived or died.
The water poured,
the shadow has fallen,
we grieve our parting apart,
Separately but together
The life that glowed in the dark.
I will sink into the rufous rocks,
dissolve into peaceful brine.
Fly with clouds on exuberant winds
and lie with dark roots underground.
I will be a perfumed rose,
a smile upon a child,
I will run with the sap
to the new spring shoots
and dance as the sky unfurls.
This body is bound in temporal chains
with the blindfold of daily intentions,
but oh to merge with that love Divine
throbbing through glorious creation.
My soul longs to rest in the rugged caps,
the desert dry, the wind washed flats.
Virgin air cleansed by watery fields-
ever alive, ever fulfilled.
Safe, grounded, held.
Rooted deep, reaching tall.
Invincible with you by my side.
Turbulence that once rocked at a glance
Flies off to pester another.
Your arms hold me from afar,
You see me when I’m gone,
I know the winds you face,
I have your back to keep you strong.
The leaf regards the world with equanimity
Lulled by the breeze,
An isolated life is unknown,
close neighbours press in,
moving as one body.
And what of branch and trunk?
What of the reaching, holding,
Does the leaf thank them?
Feel separate from them?
I am the leaf.May 8, 2019 sueelizabethadams